Janae at MUHS Patchwork 2014

Video

Kishma would be so proud of her niece Janae. She participated in a fun presentation called “Patchwork” by Mingus Union High School’s theater group. She was so nervous with her tummy in her feet but you could never tell once she walked on that stage. She was a complete natural. I wanted to share this with Kishma, who was so active at Reedley Opera House in Fresno who would appreciate it as would her honey Tanamin. She was on stage for such a short period of time but Janae definitely “owned” it.

This was truly the first time I had my mind pulled away from Kishma for a while. More than a few minutes at a time. And last night, falling asleep after 2am, was the first time I felt the yawning pit. I thought I would tentatively reach out my mind to touch the deepest feelings of loss about her and it was terrible. I know without a doubt that Kishma would want not me to have those feelings. Yet it feels like they are just sitting back in the corner of my mind…a yawning expanse of black engulfing grief waiting for a moment of weakness.

My sweetie and I had discussed my feelings yesterday. I reach out every few days to make sure I’m not “acting weird” or being more distant or anything else that would harm our relationship. He is so sweet as he helps me through this. And he came up with the most marvelous thought to give me comfort. We were discussing “why” it is so much harder on twins when one passes, than with other relationships. Except the passing of a spouse, no grief compares.

He said, he could see Kishma and I, in the pre-existence, grabbing on and holding each others hands as we made the leap to earth to be born. Most souls come into the world alone, and leave the world alone. But in our case, we came together. What a sweet explanation and thought! It gave my heart a huge lift to have that image in my mind.

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