I attended my first Twinless Twin meeting yesterday. Twinless Twins is an organization that supports twins who have lost a twin, through death or estrangement. It was a small group and I was one of two first time attendees. The other newly alone twin was a tiny woman, less than 5 feet tall and 100 pounds. A beautiful petite blonde with her beloved Nico (Nick). All the twinless twins in attendance were women so I was glad to see another man there for my husband to speak with. My husband can be quite an intimidating looking fellow, standing over 6′ in his boots, over 200 pounds, with a tightly trimmed white beard and huge presence. But then he puts on that disarming smile and speaks and it can short circuit brains as they try to match the personality to the appearance. So the men stood off to one side and chatted while I met with the other women.
It was a good experience. Very hard but good. I don’t have anyone to share my story with except my beloved so it was helpful to share what has happened. (My friend Anne Maubach did have lunch with me last week and let me unload quite a bit on her…she was very sweet.) It was wonderful to hear others stories and to know I’m as “normal” as can be expected. Each twins story was so completely different from each other, but all were about how we deal with this indescribable loss.
I say it was good because I was able to share, and though I tried not to cry, I still did. I don’t like to cry in front of folks. I even had my beloved grabbing for the tissue and tears streamed down his rugged cheeks. Somewhat cathartic. At this particular meeting, almost all the twin passings (I was relieved to hear that other twins hate to use the word “die” or “died” as I do.) As I was saying, all the twins passings were sudden. One was speaking one moment, then let out a little gasp and was done. One was struck by a semi truck. One was hit by a car as she crossed the road…and on and on. And all of us who have survived ask the same questions…”How do I breath? How do I keep on living?” And though none of us felt the desire to commit suicide, we all have the inescapable desire to join our twins. For me, it is only the desire to be here with my husband and 17-year old daughter that keeps me moving forward. Without them, and the belief that I will someday be together with my twin once again, I shudder to think where I might be today. So we talked, we shared love and then we lit candles for our fallen twins. A small bit of ash fell upon my left thumb as I lit the candle of the twin next to me. I brushed it away. A blister formed but I did not notice it until I left the meeting. We all hugged and I committed to attend a future meeting. Then we went our separate ways. Some back to Colorado, Scottsdale, Phoenix, Cottonwood…
Then my sweetie hugged me tight, and took me to Michael’s arts and craft store. So we spent some time there. We bought several items for our 17 year old. I picked up only some leather ties for my medicine bags. Then we headed home. And once we got home, I went immediately to bed. And slept for hours. I woke up only long enough to eat a tiny something and sit beside my husband on the couch. Then went back to bed again. And when I woke up this morning, I was so sore. Neck and back. I’m sure I tensed up so much more than even I knew and it was definitely manifesting itself today. Jim rubbed my neck and back for some time just to help me be moveable.
So it was a wonderful Saturday. But also very hard. And I am so glad I found them. I have come to the conclusion that I went back to work too soon. Just a little more time for me would have been smart. So I may ask for more time off in the near future. We will see. But until then, I am so grateful to this organization and all I can say to them is thank you. Thank you so much.