I have recently joined a support organization called Twinless Twins. Every time I mention this to someone they go “awwww” sadly. But it is a good thing. Today, I received some newsletters in the mail from them, and found a wonderful document, titled The Grieving Person’s Bill of Rights. Anyone feeling grief needs to know this.
Though you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving and as such, you have certain “rights” no one should try to take away from you.
The following candid list is intended to both empower you to heal, and to help you decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help but rather, to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones.
1. You have the right to experience your own grief. No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don’t allow them to tell you what you should or should not be feeling.
2. You have the right to talk about your grief. Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want and as often as you want about your grief.
3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions. Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don’t take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.
4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits. Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. Do not allow others to push you into doing things you don’t feel ready to do.
5. You have the right to experience “grief attacks.” Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief will come over you. This can be frightening, but it is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.
6. You have the right to make use of ritual. The funeral/memorial ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More important, the services are a way for you to mourn. If others tell you that rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don’t listen.
7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality. If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.
8. You have the right to search for meaning. You may find yourself asking “Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?” Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like, “It was God’s will,” or “Think what you have to be thankful for,” are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.
9. You have a right to treasure your memories. Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.
10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal. Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself, and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone you love changes your life forever.