I had to come home from work early today, with an allergic reaction…Silly me! I have been very good about eating salads for lunch, no dressing. Even the little croutons I toss, or set aside to eat later as a snack instead of sweets. (It makes a difference!) Yesterday I had an oriental salad and took the little…dried noodles (?) and set them aside…then at about 12:00 today, when the receptionist went to lunch, I ate the little noodles… It was no more than 15 minutes later that I started getting hives, especially on my hands for some reason… So after the receptionist returned I zipped home and have taken a breathing treatment and Benadryl. Geez. I’ll be a space cadet in a little while I’m sure!
Janae loves it cause she’s on Spring break and can baby me.
Y’know…one of the things that really bothers me is that I used to take care of you. I remember so many times getting up in the middle of the night to rub your back, or set up breathing treatments or to just be there. I was always the “big sister” twin that took care of you. When we grew apart, as many twins do, to establish our own selves, that feeling never went away. Even when we were estranged for that dark period of time. It was always that I needed to do things for you. I think that is one of the many difficult things about your loss. Feeling I should have been there to take care of you. I know you were wonderfully capable and that your sweeties were so attentive. It’s just what I felt and feel.
And yes, it is true. As sick as we were, and as sick as you became the last several years, I never thought that I would lose you. Ever. It’s just one of those things that my mind didn’t care to explore or even acknowledge. I wonder if that is normal for twins. Of course, it makes sense that one of us would pass before the other. But it just wasn’t in my realm of consideration. I knew some day our parents would leave us, maybe our brother or sister…but never you. Probably another reason it is so difficult to believe that you are not just on a trip somewhere and I’ll hear from you again soon.
I guess that is what you are doing. You just got to our destination before me. Too soon girl. Too soon.