Last night was a tough one…not sure why but it definitely was. Finally turned my light off at about midnight and still tossed and turned for another hour and a half. Though Kishma is always in my thoughts and though it is true, I did shed tears for her last night I wasn’t doing circular thinking or stressing about her more than I did the rest of the day. I really tried to shut my brain down and go to sleep but it wasn’t having any of it. I guess I should just stay up and paint until the brush starts to go limp in my hand… At least I’d be getting something done.
Of course…I would be silly to say I’m not stressed about Kishma. I am.
And I am stressed about my health.
And stressed by the fact an old friend passed away unexpectedly this week. (Rest in Peace Danny.)
And today I am stressed about one of my daughters who was just terminated this morning from her position for political reasons (gosh I hate some of the human race sometimes…) I would love to go into detail right now…but conditions don’t allow me to.
But I can say I am stressed for having had confidence in an individual who is obviously not worth it. Can you spell e-g-o? Prevaricating meglomaniac and dissembling egocentric…(a lot of big words for dishonest and conceit.)
It would be nice to wave a magic wand and make everyone show who they really are. No “hidden agendas” or political underhandedness. If that were to happen then…like on the movie “Shallow Hal,” there would be some very scary looking people out there. (Deep breath.)
But there would also be those who are even more beautiful. I know several people who already are. I am lucky enough to work with several people like that.
And Kishma is like that. Nice to be around, and you felt good about yourself to be around her. That is the way everyone should be. She is one of those you find yourself a better person having known them. But like me (of course ) she is a Scottish Irish Filipina. Terrible temper when it is riled. But it takes us either a very long time to get there or you have had to be a totally unpleasant jerk in which case it will flare up pretty quickly. That aside, life felt very good around Kishma. I can still feel that when I visit her home, even with her gone. Her mates and roommates are mellow, happy, loving people.
It’s like walking into an old Library where you can almost feel the words of the books reaching out to you, Kishma still lives in that wonderful home and reaches out to amplify the affections of all those she loves. It is a really neat “place’ to be.
I was definitely not in that place today. I was very angry and frustrated and ready for a fight. I noticed, since my twins passing, on those occasions I do get angry, it seems to be faster and hotter than in the past . I understand that increased anger can be a part of grieving.
Yet another challenge.
So, to combat this, I need to consciously find that place again where there is calmness, and a happy heart when moments like those that happened today, happen again.
I need to find my happy place.