Just Keep Breathing

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I went in to work today and made an executive decision. I’m going to take off work beginning Thursday through next week as well. That will be eleven days.  I realized my eyes kept filling with tears while at work today. I think perhaps my meeting Saturday brought things closer to the surface than I expected.  Maybe if I take off the time I will be able to get a hold of the worst of the grief, as I tried to do a few weeks ago, and move through it.  It’s been 9 weeks now and today the pain is like it happened yesterday.  I’m sure it is common that folks get so busy with the business of arrangements for a passed loved one, etc., and when things finally settle down…and relatives go home…and you yourself think you just might have a handle on this grief thing…the flood gates open.

When I went in to speak with my boss he asked “what’s going on?” that I needed to take the time off. With tears in my eyes I explained it had to do with my twin.  He seemed to understand right away and said I could take all the time I needed. He’s got someone I can call to see if they can provide me with some coping tools.  I thought I had it handled, but.. I really don’t.  Not even close.

I know if I can get a few good nights sleep in a row, it will help too. And if I don’t have to get up for work, I can sleep in.

My beloved feels so helpless because he wants to “fix” it.  And he can’t.  I’m the only one.  And, for someone who tends to keep her emotions in control, this is pretty distressing, to feel this way.  The problem is, I keep pushing it away when it comes close.  Instinctively and without thinking. Like you would wave your hand at a fly that is bothering you. I need to stop that and let it do it’s thing. Hopefully this week.  i know it will hurt for a long long time.  But I need to feel the worst of it so it doesn’t incapacitate me as it almost did today.  As one of the lovely ladies said at the meeting Saturday, “Just keep breathing.”

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