Monthly Archives: May 2014

17th Week

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This is week 17.

  • 17 is the 7th prime number.
  • 17 is also the sum of the first 4 prime numbers.
  • It’s the atomic number for chlorine.
  • The B-17 also known as the Flying Fortress is one of my favorite airplanes.
  • In Italy, the number 17 is bad luck and there is no seat/row 17 on Alitalia Airlines.
  • There are 17 syllables in a haiku (5+7+5)
  • It is week 17 of my sweet twin sister traveling existence without pain or illness or lack of air.  And as of today, it is exactly 4 months since her passing.

I tried posting yesterday however my internet has been malfunctioning all week.  Finally got ahold of the internet provider and got it fixed.  So I’m back.

My husband told me a story yesterday. He said a co-worker came to him who stated he had just learned a friend of his was a twin. That this man confided he was a twin and had lost his brother at a very early age. The age of six. And that he absolutely hated his birthday. The reason was not what I thought.  It was because, since his brother passed away, for many years on his birthday his mother would take him to visit the cemetery and his brother’s grave.

Now, I understand people deal with grief in different ways and perhaps this was his mother or father’s way of coping, but this poor young man…to lose someone in the first place is such a deep difficult thing, but for it to be your twin and for you to be only six years old and unable to really comprehend the range of emotions and loss you feel, this situation made my jaw drop. And my motherly indignation rear it’s not inconsiderable head.

I don’t know enough about him to know how he has dealt with it all these years but from the brief excerpt I received, to make a child go through such a thing and especially on his birthday was horrible.  I always try to understand others perspective…but this one was too hard.  My husband is going to give his friend the contact information for Twinless Twins, to pass to this twinless twin, in the event he could benefit from this group. All I can say is…unbelievable.

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Sixteen Weeks

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I received a very sweet post from another twinless twin.  She had her first birthday without her twin this week.  I so much wanted to just hug her.  I do not look forward to that day this summer.  Even 600 miles apart we still celebrated our birthdays together, my twin and I.

GRIEF 1I found this image online and it made me sad and laugh at the same time.   We want grief to be this nice tidy little pattern of stages and categories and a straight line through each of them.  It is in reality so much messier.  It is a roller coaster of climbing, doing fine, then a sudden drop of the ground from beneath you with a few hard hair pin turns then you find the ground for a moment before it drops from beneath you again.  The goal is to feel more ups than downs…and it just plain takes time.

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zebra-300Has it been 15 weeks?  Yes, today.  The 15th week of my twin dancing in the heavens.

I’ve been under the weather with my own respiratory challenges these last several weeks and my sister was my listening ear.  My children worry when I show I’m tired of the fight to breath and my sweet husband wants to fix it and he can’t.  So I would usually talk to Kishma about the gory details of being sick and the wonderful medicinal side affects and though we would worry for one another, it was more the true “I know what you are going through and that stinks,” feeling instead of feeling like I am burdening others with my frailties.  My hubby would be put out by that statement as he always takes care to make  sure I know I am not a burden to him.  We are equally yoked and can’t imagine existence without the other.  But I worry about worrying them and vica versa and if I don’t stop now, pretty soon I’ll be saying “who’s on first” (for those old-timers..)

I’ve gotten 2 cell phone pouches sewn and painted for what I call Kishma’s event.  I don’t think I’m even concerned about selling any at this point.  I just want to express myself on the leather as I did on the canvas for her.  I know she will like what she see’s.  She was always easy to please.

I miss you sis!

 

Mother’s Day

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white rosesToday is the first Mother’s Day without my twin sister.  She would always call and text and send me a card each Mother’s Day telling me what a terrific mother I was.  I’ve written before that she and I used to say that I birthed her children as well as my own, as she never had any.  With all the numerous meds she was on, she was worried about conceiving a baby with all those horrid chemicals.  She said she would never do that to another being.  I don’t think she realized what a wonderful mother figure she was.  To her puppies, her family and her friends.  She had the most intelligent loving way of helping the youth she worked with.  And she had absolutely no tolerance for anyone who would hurt a child.

She would help with the hiring of the actors for Hobbs Grove ( a haunt ) each year with her dear friend Lor.  And without fail, if any applicant stated they loved to frighten little children, she would smile and tell them thank you and immediately set their file in a pile never to be looked at again.  She understood they may have just been saying that in hopes it was the ‘right’ thing to say to get hired but it didn’t matter.  The haunt wasn’t even recommended for young children.

However if young children did come, they would be given a “safe” word they could use to make the monsters go away.  If a monster came up that frighted them too much they could say the secret words, something like “cotton candy” and the actor/monster would immediately recoil from the child.  Was and is a very cool way to empower someone that would otherwise feel helpless!

So Happy Mother’s Day, to those who have their own children, those who wanted their own,  those that take care of others children, and those that are mother figures and don’t even know it!

 

 

In Her Honor

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Buffalo Sun by Laurie Pace

Sun Bathing Buffalo by Laurie Pace

Several days have gone by without it happening to me, which is why I was so very startled when I read my twin sister Kishma’s name, and immediately thought, “I need to call her today…” only to instantly remember she is no longer here.  I wonder how long that happens.  Probably forever. That’s okay.  I’d rather be startled by the memory than forget.

I’ve been having a good response on my “In Memory of the Magic” Kickstarter project dedicated to my twin sisters memory, to make memory pouches in her honor.  But I worry.  It’s been wonderful to have over 30% of the funds needed already pledged within the first 4-days of the project being listed.  But I worry now as the program didn’t get any commitments at all today.  I realized I am very invested in getting this done.  Whether it is funded or not I will still commit to doing some pieces in her name.  It will be far fewer than I hope.  And I feel almost a need to be able to do it, as if I would fail her if I didn’t have a successful project.  My heart skipped a beat when I looked to see if anyone had checked on the project today…  But of course, I know that isn’t true.  It’s just me and my desires.  And I have 20 days more to go.
I received an email this evening from one of the individuals who has pledged to support the program.  She (or he) wrote a sweet response to my thank you that they have pledged to support it.  It read:
Buffalo and Sun Productions says:

You are welcome and Thank you…

Bless you, your family and this sacred medicine work.

When we create with love, we honour the source.

You are gifted and called to this art form.

I look forward to my buffalo and sun medicine pouch!!!!

We are dancing with you…”

This was a very sweet combination of words to me.  I guess I needed to read it tonight.  A gentle reminder to me of why I am doing this. And to not get wrapped “around the axle” on the financial end of things.  Remember Kishma and her sweetness.  And despite what the world says, prepare those ways I wish to express her sweetness on the leather.

Thank you Buffalo and Sun Productions.

A Poem

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Love life

 

I came across this poem. I was out late at a meeting and didn’t get home until after 9pm.  Then I ate and finally came to bed, but of course, not to sleep. Silly mind.  And this came up on the internet.  The more I read it, the deeper it got.  And it is true.  Love life as it is.  It is what we have now.  Love every moment that you can.  It is so very, very brief.

Secret of Death

”What is the secret of Death? ” wonders the Sense
“Life and Death go hand in hand” answers Life
“People don’t fear Death, they fear the thought of Death” exclaims Death
“Those who fear Death have lost Life” answers Time
“People respect Death more than Life” answers the Present
“People fear the Unknown” says the Future
“There is nothing to fear except fear for itself” answers the Unknown
“The answer is hidden in the heart of Life” whispers the Heart
“I am all there is” shouts Love
“Love life as it is” whispers Death

by Saga Raijasdot

Time Passes

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ImageIt has been 3 months and 2 days since I began posting about losing my identical twin sister.  Is that all?  Really.  A mere 13+ weeks. But so much has happened in that time.  And I want to share it all with my twin.  I began and launched my website selling my leather pouches. I applied for and was accepted into Kickstarter for a fundraising program!  In two days it has already reached 20% of the funds requested.  It is so exciting and I want to share it with Kishma and have her voice laugh with me.  I opened a business bank account and received my debit cards last week.  I should be receiving the credit card this week.  I also received my DUNNS number today!  That is a business credit site.  Everything is taking alot of work but moving so quickly!

I know you are watching sis, happy for me.  Your sweetie even published a Facebook posting encouraging the folks he knows (and you knew) to contribute.  Aunt Billi and Priscilla are supporting me as well!  It is amazing.  I really want this to be a success.  Especially in your name.  I just wish you were here to share it.  I love you sis!