I went to a luau with my church family Saturday evening. It was a great time with some wonderful food. We had some fun entertainment. . One was a hula dancer that was very lovely. Her hands were so graceful and everything about her dance was deliberate and relaxed. Really inspiring to watch.
Then we had some singers. It was a pair of twin men. They were identical and it brought quite a pang to my heart. They still have their whole lives ahead of the them. It was uplifting and sorrowful at the same time.
I started thinking “shoulda, woulda and coulda” thoughts and stopped myself.
Life is not about what I’ve done,
what I should have done or what I could have done.
It is about what I can do and will do.
How wonderful and enlightening is perspective.
The first time I saw this video was quite some time ago. I thought it was poignant and lovely.
It was on someone’s Facebook posting today, and I saw it completely differently.
Today, my different eyes saw the male dancer representing my grief, and the white ghostly dancer my identical twin sister who left this mortal plain 20 weeks ago today.
I miss you Kishma. So much…
Being young in an old body
I remember my husband Jim saying his mother once stated that inside she was 18 years old and stuck in an 87 year old body. I think all of us adults feel the same way. That mentally we are much younger than our aging forms.
Kishma told me once that she was 19 inside. That as she got older it did not change her mental age.
This being my 19th week on this earth without her made me think of that. And indeed it was true. At nineteen she was gaining a sense of freedom from her illness. Not that it went away. It has never gone away for either of us. But that she was able to function and explore the world, even though her lungs tried to slow her down. It was a good and challenging year for her.
It has been an interesting week for me. I am excited because my KickStarter project dedicated to my twin, was funded. My first time trying such a thing. I am so grateful to all the family, friends and complete strangers who pledged funds. And I hope I can honor Kishma with some excellent works of fantasy and magic. I know she will inspire me in many different ways. Mostly with her beautiful happy cherubic smile and fairy laugh. They are still clear in my memory. I dread the day when they fade but I have sharp images now to cherish.
And something odd is happening. I’ve stated many times that it is so disconcerting because it feels like Kishma passed away so long ago, even though it was really only a few days, weeks or months. Today I realized the time is catching up. It still feels like she left me (and everyone who loved her) so long ago, but not so long ago as it did a few weeks ago. I’ve never had this experience before so it is interesting to observe, in a removed sort of way. Grief and resolution have funny ways of playing with our psyches!
Yesterday my beloved took my family to see the movie Maleficent. It was a marvelous fantasy story with great special affects. And I couldn’t help but think through the entire movie, how much my sweet twin sister would have absolutely loved to see it. The great good versus evil in a manner not in keeping with the classic thought of Disney’s Sleeping Beauty. How she would have loved the contrast and the raven and the fairies! When I wrote her beloved about it, he let me know that it was the last thing Kishma had ever e-mailed about. So it holds a special place in his heart and it shall in mine now too.