I remember my husband Jim saying his mother once stated that inside she was 18 years old and stuck in an 87 year old body. I think all of us adults feel the same way. That mentally we are much younger than our aging forms.
Kishma told me once that she was 19 inside. That as she got older it did not change her mental age.
This being my 19th week on this earth without her made me think of that. And indeed it was true. At nineteen she was gaining a sense of freedom from her illness. Not that it went away. It has never gone away for either of us. But that she was able to function and explore the world, even though her lungs tried to slow her down. It was a good and challenging year for her.
It has been an interesting week for me. I am excited because my KickStarter project dedicated to my twin, was funded. My first time trying such a thing. I am so grateful to all the family, friends and complete strangers who pledged funds. And I hope I can honor Kishma with some excellent works of fantasy and magic. I know she will inspire me in many different ways. Mostly with her beautiful happy cherubic smile and fairy laugh. They are still clear in my memory. I dread the day when they fade but I have sharp images now to cherish.
And something odd is happening. I’ve stated many times that it is so disconcerting because it feels like Kishma passed away so long ago, even though it was really only a few days, weeks or months. Today I realized the time is catching up. It still feels like she left me (and everyone who loved her) so long ago, but not so long ago as it did a few weeks ago. I’ve never had this experience before so it is interesting to observe, in a removed sort of way. Grief and resolution have funny ways of playing with our psyches!