Monthly Archives: July 2014

Recognize Simple Blessings


I usually write in my blog on Tuesdays however, Monday is the 6 month anniversary of my twin sisters passing and Tuesday is the 26th week, so, I think I will be unable to write then. I actually have tomorrow off but my husband has insisted I go to work with him. He is only working a ½ day then we can spend the day together in Flagstaff, in the cool mountains. He worries that I will fall into the pit of grief and though I don’t believe I will, I have taken him up on his offer because I love spending time with him.

Out of AfricaTwo days ago, my husband and I and our daughter went to visit the Out of Africa Wild Animal Park. It is only 15-20 minutes away from our home and has been there for years however we had never visited. So we played tourist and spent a good part of Friday there.

They had some marvelous animals there. Of course we loved the wolves. We just happened to luck out on our dates to attend as the owners of the park were there Friday and actually were the drivers of the little tram we took around the park. So when they got to the wolf pen, they got out of the tram and stepped inside the enclosure. All three wolves came racing over, and fawned over the two owners, rubbing and standing on their back legs to be able to lick the owners faces. Was quite lovely to realize these were wild animals yet they saw this man and woman as their equals or actually, as cubs so there was no fighting or need to dominate the pack. They were merely accepted as pups that have never grown up.

For those familiar with my blog, you will know that one of my identical twin sisters favorite creatures is the zebra. There were quite a few in an enclosure at the zoo, reminding me of her. However, there was also this little “buy a coin” machine near the gift shop in the zoo. My husband dropped some money in for our 17-year old daughter to pick a coin with an animal totem on it. Then he pushed another button saying, “I think my honey needs this one.”

On one side of the coin was the name of the park, along with a stylized version of a lion. On the other side of the coin was the totem. My daughter had chosen a hyena because they had a pair at the zoo and they were remarkable animals to see in real life.
For me, my husband had pushed the zebra coin. A lovely little zebra, in memory of my twin. The coins are a copper/brass color, shining and fun. With one exception.

Again, those that have followed my blog know my sweet twin sister was a severe asthmatic and died of unexpected complications that had occurred during open heart surgery. If you look at the image of the coin below, the remarkable thing that most definitely struck my heart, is a flaw on this particular coin…

There was a dull and discolored area immediately above the zebras chest, where it’s heart and lungs would be. My husband hadn’t looked at the coin when he handed it to me. It was meant to be a sweet surprise. But when he saw me just standing there, staring at it, he could tell something had happened. At first he was going to buy another coin for me then he stopped and said, “No. This one was meant especially for you. It was meant to be.”

And indeed it was.

Out of Africa Zebra




SmoothieWell, I made an error. I was off by a week on my posting last week. So this week my twin sister has been gone from this earth for 25 weeks, not 24. I’m not sure if miscounting is good or bad. Both I think. Good- as it shows I am not obsessed with the need to keep track. Bad- because I feel guilt for having lost count, which is silly and I can just feel Kishma wagging her finger at me, telling me not to feel bad.

When my husband and daughter and I raced up to Kishma’s place in Fresno 25 weeks ago, it was all so rushed. Sometimes I feel like I remember every second of that week, others it feels like a blur. However, one thing I shall never forget is that first morning after having spent a night at my twins house, her beloved Tan made us smoothies for breakfast. I hadn’t had one in a long time. It was SO good.

Fast forward to today.

Since getting out of the hospital, I no longer allow myself to eat ice cream. It is high fat and worse, it’s high sugar. Having to lay off the sugar has been excellent for me but there are a few items I continue to crave. Ice cream is one of them. BUT I began making smoothies several weeks ago to make up for it. I use frozen fruit, skim milk and half a fresh banana. I usually have it at night when my beloved and daughter are having their ice cream dessert.

I say this because each time I make one, I think of sweet Tan, my twin’s beloved, and from there I think of my sister. And they are good, sweet, wonderful thoughts.

My tears fall only a few times a week now. The pain is still sharp but, as has been said, one learns to work with it.

I think…my upcoming retirement in less than a year is a good thing. I’m not sure I am at the top of my game any longer at work, since losing Kishma. I feel distracted and less than the amazing wonder woman I have always been. I’ve been a darned good assistant because I have the ability to anticipate the needs of my employer, to the point some folks believe I am “psychic.” But I’m not.  It is just observation and anticipation on my part. However, with the loss of Kishma…It’s almost like that ability has been stifled or muffled in some way.

Anyway, silly as it is, smoothies have become a very important part of my daily diet. For more than just my body.



crochet scarvesIt has been several weeks since I have written. Not because my grief is abated but just because my world has been busy and by the time bedtime rolls around I have been doing just that–going to bed.

I was perusing the internet, looking up arts and craft booth images as I am participating in our local farmers market, and saw one with crocheted items. I thought for a split second, I wonder if I can get a few items from Kishma and sell them for her at my local Farmer’s Market Jamboree. And just as quick, an amazing pang and twist to my heart. Wow. I have July 28th scheduled to be off from work. It’s on a Monday and will be exactly 6 months since my identical twin sister passed away. It is quite amazing how fresh the pain still is.

I don’t wear it every day like a badge. It’s just here, in the back of my mind. Every morning I put on my memory pouch, which has a turtle made of bone in it, as well as a tiny urn with my twin Kishma’s ashes in it. Doesn’t matter the outfit, or if the color doesn’t fit, or if folks ask what it is anymore. It’s a symbol of my twin.

I received a sweet email from a Cheryl L’ today. I shipped 75% of my KickStarter project perks out and they are just getting received by the supporters. And Cheryl said some wonderful things about the pouch she received, and the great energy it has. But her final words were, “I think you have done your sister proud.” That brought a smile to my lips and tears to my eyes. Thank you Cheryl.

Life goes on doesn’t it. And it is flying by of late. My mind almost struggles with how fast the days are going by.

Hey wombmate, I miss you.