Well, I made an error. I was off by a week on my posting last week. So this week my twin sister has been gone from this earth for 25 weeks, not 24. I’m not sure if miscounting is good or bad. Both I think. Good- as it shows I am not obsessed with the need to keep track. Bad- because I feel guilt for having lost count, which is silly and I can just feel Kishma wagging her finger at me, telling me not to feel bad.
When my husband and daughter and I raced up to Kishma’s place in Fresno 25 weeks ago, it was all so rushed. Sometimes I feel like I remember every second of that week, others it feels like a blur. However, one thing I shall never forget is that first morning after having spent a night at my twins house, her beloved Tan made us smoothies for breakfast. I hadn’t had one in a long time. It was SO good.
Fast forward to today.
Since getting out of the hospital, I no longer allow myself to eat ice cream. It is high fat and worse, it’s high sugar. Having to lay off the sugar has been excellent for me but there are a few items I continue to crave. Ice cream is one of them. BUT I began making smoothies several weeks ago to make up for it. I use frozen fruit, skim milk and half a fresh banana. I usually have it at night when my beloved and daughter are having their ice cream dessert.
I say this because each time I make one, I think of sweet Tan, my twin’s beloved, and from there I think of my sister. And they are good, sweet, wonderful thoughts.
My tears fall only a few times a week now. The pain is still sharp but, as has been said, one learns to work with it.
I think…my upcoming retirement in less than a year is a good thing. I’m not sure I am at the top of my game any longer at work, since losing Kishma. I feel distracted and less than the amazing wonder woman I have always been. I’ve been a darned good assistant because I have the ability to anticipate the needs of my employer, to the point some folks believe I am “psychic.” But I’m not. It is just observation and anticipation on my part. However, with the loss of Kishma…It’s almost like that ability has been stifled or muffled in some way.
Anyway, silly as it is, smoothies have become a very important part of my daily diet. For more than just my body.