One Year Annivesary

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This posting is for both Tuesday, January 27th (52 weeks) and Wednesday January 28th, exactly one year since my identical twin sister passed away due to complications during heart surgery.

I have planned to take the anniversary, Wednesday, off from work as I know I will be useless. And my beloved has taken the day off work as well. Even if his boss were to have some objections my sweetie said, “This is beyond contestation.” Love him. I also said I would be sleeping or crying all day and be totally useless. To which his reply was, “We’ll see about that.”

I Googled “anniversary of twin sister’s death” and it had several articles, some out in left field, some about homicides and suicides, and in general, most were unhelpful.

How shall I spend that day? If she had a grave, I would spend the day there. I would brush away any leaves, trim grass with scissors and leave flowers galore. However, her ashes are in my bedroom high on a shelf. I don’t know if there is some special place she would have liked them spread. I never thought to ask.

MemorialSome articles said to look through old photos or make a memorial. I’ve done both. Her memorial is beside my bed. And should the truth be known…I doubt I will cry all day-if at all. We were both hurt as children and have the ability or, in my case I think, automatically, take extremely painful occurrences and bury the pain. Not terribly healthy, but it helps one survive in an often hostile world. I’m afraid I will do that this week. Which means some time in the future it will raise its head and the grief will flood out when least expected.

The article said to make her favorite food and say a toast. I would do that but I don’t know her favorite food. Tastes change. I do know what she didn’t like.  Since childhood. She hated meatloaf. Maybe I’ll make that with a twisted grin. But I can do a toast with my family. And they will all ring their glasses against mine and look at me with big sad and concerned eyes …so maybe not.

Maybe I’ll go up into the mountains and hike the hills looking for deer and coyote and bear and mountain lion. Most are hard to find. But she would have loved to see them. And she lived vicariously through me as her health declined and loved my forest adventures.

What would you like me to do sweet Kishma? A walk. Listen to music. Write a story. Draw a picture. Read a book. I’ve a bunch of your books here in my living room which I am reading. Books we both loved and shared. When we were young, as one of us finished one we would exchange books and the other would read them. Thank you to her beloveds for allowing me to take home her books.

I’m sure the answer will come, though I am one for pre-planning and would like to know now what I will do then. But I guess this just isn’t one of those times. I’ll sit, and wait, and listen, and feel. And hope I get it right.

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2 responses »

  1. In August on the one year anniversary of my Sister’s passing we went to the cemetery and then had lunch at our parents house. Some of our cousins released balloons for her. We each quietly remembered her in our on special way. I like your idea of looking for animals. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  2. I have been thinking about you every day lately, knowing that it is getting close to the one year anniversary of your beloved Kishma’s passing. I am sure that whatever activities you do in her remembrance, they will be the exact things you need to do to find comfort for the day and in honoring her beautiful memory. Family is forever.

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