Eighteen Months.

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Eighteen Months.

For a child, it is an eternity.  For an adult, a mere year and a half.  And for an aged senior, it is the passing of a few holidays

For me…it seems a decade has passed.  Has it really only been a year and a half?  Has it really only been a few holidays?  Has it really only been 18 months?

Since my sweet twin passed away?

Getting out of bed today was a challenge.  Staying asleep. Head buried and hidden from the world is so much easier.  If I’m asleep I’m not sad.

(But you’re not happy either.)

I don’t feel the emptiness.

(And you don’t feel the joy.)

I can hide from the world.

(But you’ll miss what is happening!)

I won’t cry.

(And you won’t love.)

~ ~ ~

So here I am. Awake. Alert. And feeling every second of every minute of every hour tick by.

Today is a hard day. A challenge day.  A day when the elephant of grief comes to visit and sit on my chest and I try to remember how to breath, and move through my day. To continue to be.

I continue because of my beloved. And our child. And our children. And our dogs. And our cat.

I hold on to every reason to continue on at times like these.

Fortunately, the hard days are fewer and farther between.  The pain does not lessen as many said it would.

It hasn’t gone away as some said it wouldn’t.

It is a constant.

But, as those who know said, you get used to it.

It is a state of being.

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