Category Archives: Uncategorized

Three Year Anniversary

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I hate using the word “anniversary”…  That makes it sounds like something to celebrate.
It has been 3 years since my twin sister passed away and again…still…it feels like yesterday.

I remember the fear and the sorrow and the inability to catch my breath.  I remember the anger and the massive grief.  And I remember feeling alone.

I miss her so much.

I distracted myself all day to keep it from settling on my shoulders.  But once I put my head on my pillow it came.  So I got up and went to WalMart at 1 am to pick up some cold medicine for my husband.

But it waited for me to return home.

So I got on-line to watch videos… and it found me.

But something different happened.

I began watching a series that is a couple years old called Adult Wednesday (you can see some of the videos at this link.) It’s about the book and movie character “Wednesday Addams” as an adult.  It is very cute in an Addams sort of way.  And I found myself chuckling and thinking how much Kishma would have enjoyed this with me and her family.  Actually a happy thought.  Wow.  And it, hovering like a childs “monster-in-the-closet” took a step back.  Maybe two.

The Grief will always be there.  Always hovering. Waiting for a moment to make itself known.  But… it is “the price we pay for loving.”

Maybe this is the beginning.  I love and miss you sis.  But…just maybe, I can take a deep breath again.  And move forward.  One breath at a time. One day forward.

We’ll see how this works.

 

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It’s Our Birthday

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My PouchesHey sis,

You have been on my mind almost non-stop this week. You are in my mind many times a day on a regular basis, but this week it has been every moment.  I’m sure it is because tomorrow (today!) is the third birthday I will be a twinless twin. Today I watched your celebration-of-life video that Lor had produced at Hobb’s Grove ceremony for you.  I could only get a little way through it. Beautiful. Heartbreaking.

I wonder why this year is harder.  Then again, I believe I asked that last year, our second birthday solo as well.

The photo to the left is of the two medicine pouches I usually wear on a regular basis.  I put the tree of life with the silver urn, carrying your ashes, in the pouch that I decide to wear any given day.  I think the only time I haven’t worn it was when Jim and I rushed out to cousin Debbie’s house in California because dad was declining.  I had inadvertently left it on my dresser at home. That was a rough time a few months back.

I didn’t mention that earlier.  Dad passed away on March 28th.  2 years and 2 months after you and exactly 12 hours later.  You were in the am and he in the pm.  How odd was that, huh?

KishmaAnd the photo to the right is the painting I did of you shortly after you left.  She still isn’t complete.  The steps are the wrong angle, the proportions are a bit off, the bust is wrong and I just can’t get your nose right. And I need to add more stars. Make it like the milky way…and colorful.  It is in my studio so I see you every morning.  Don’t know what I’ll do with it once I have really completed it.  Something will come to me I’m sure.

I finally got my twinwolfdesigns.com website up and running again and updated.  I’m hoping I can really make a go of it this time.  Though time is getting short.  I need to make a profit this year or the tax folks say it is a hobby, not a business.  I’ve got a couple shows I am still going to hit this year and really promote the site.  But my heart isn’t in it this evening.  Next week maybe.

Don’t mean to be a downer Kishma.  I know you are full of joy and happiness and are literally smiling sweetly down at me.  My heart knows.  I can feel it. But the earthly me is a selfish cur, and wants to see and hear and speak with you again.

I love and miss you.

I Cried Today

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tearI cried for you today sis.

Well, I should correct that.  I cried for me.

I miss you so much and there is so much exciting going on in my life that I want to share.  And some frustrations as well. I want your artist mind to look at my website and join my daughters in giving me guidance to improve it. I want to talk about getting old. My hair is turning white.  I want to talk about the excitement, yes, excitement of getting a hearing aid.  I want to commiserate on the inability to drink milk anymore and how much I miss hot chocolate. I want to hear you chuckle at a bad joke, gripe with me about how much we dislike mosquitos, and talk about how clean and sweet and fun the movie BFG was.

I miss you sis.

TWO Years

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It is very hard to believe it has been two years since my twin sister passed away.  It seems like only a few months ago.

Then I think about how much has happened, just in the last 12-months, and it seems like forever.  My husband was hospitalized twice, my step-mother passed away, my baby sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given 6-months to live. With aggressive chemo and radiation, the lung cancer is in remission but being non-small cell…she is pragmatic about the fact she will still die of cancer, just not lung cancer. Six months is now an indeterminate number. But my father was also diagnosed with cancer.  And when he went in for radiation last week, they told him it was too late. And he isn’t eligible for chemo unless he wants to spend his final weeks in a hospital as he is so frail right now.  They also told him he has 6-months. (What is it with that number?!)

And he, also pragmatic, stated he doesn’t believe it will be that long. So, today, I am in Oregon, and have been all this week.  Helping to feed him enough to gain some strength to be able to fly to San Diego and live with my cousin these last months.  She has a huge house with a huge guest room with it’s own bathroom, etc., where he can live in comfort and away from the cold.  Oh, I also retired the end of 2015, with the hopes of being able to focus on my artwork.

And tonight, despite purchasing a huge dog crate and making signage for it so my fathers sweet dog Parker can fly with him, despite multiple trips to the store for items, despite my dad taking me in his room and asking what to do with all the jewelry he wants his niece to have or what should he do with his coins (I will pack them all and send them to them in California), despite seeing my baby sister for the first time in a decade, with her beautiful fur-baby pugs, all I can think of is Kishma.

Yet my twin is without the sorrow and stress of the world and she has the joy and calmness of being in a better place.  I would say I am not stressed in a manner I define stress…I am just a little overwhelmed at the sheer amount of change in just the last 4-months.

But, one is never given more than they can carry…

Sometimes I am thinking my shoulders must look pretty broad.

 

My Heart Is Breaking

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sorrow

 

 

This is going to be my one selfish moment…then I have to let it go.

There has been a great deal of death around me of late… My twin sister, a dear friend, my step-mother…and now my baby sister has been told she has 6 months to live…at the most.

I want to fix it. And I can’t.  And I’m always too late. I’m not able to say good bye.  To come out and give my last hugs.  I’m always too late.

 

 

My Heart

My heart is breaking

My tears flow fast

My baby sister is dying

Am I to be the last?

 

My heart is breaking

My grief is so wide

I will be so alone

The pain is hard to hide

 

My heart is breaking

Her years are too few

Her sweet smile is hidden

Please let her body renew
My heart is breaking

It ravagers her within

Make it stop its horrid growth!

Please let my sister win.

 

My heart is broken

Torn in two

There is nothing…

Nothing I can do

 

Helpless hopeless

To stop her pain

Please embrace her tightly

Let her smile again

 

Ease her breath

Calm her mind

Help her bravely

Solace find

 

In faith

In love

With angels above

And let her know

She is truly loved

A Wing

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roostingSharing an odd train of thought.  I drive to work every morning on Main Street into Old Town Cottonwood in Arizona.  I see our beautiful mountain and our gorgeous blue skies.  And sometimes, as I enter Historic Old Town, on the left are some very old pine trees and sitting atop them, early in the morning, are about 24 turkey vultures.  Yep. Buzzards. Ugly yet beautiful creatures with enormous wing spans and huge black feathers.  They often roost on those trees at night. When I come driving by in the morning they are often in different stages of preparing to head out for the day.

Some still have their heads tucked tight, dozing in the dawn sunlight.  Some have their wings just barely open, pulled away from their shoulders in the typical vulture posture.  And some have their wings completely unfolded, showing their impressive wing span as they drink in the warm sun and get their blood turkey-vultures-1-of-1-8-blogmoving after a cold desert night. (Yes, for those that don’t know, as hot as it gets in the desert, it gets that cold at night.)

I smile every morning when I drive by those birds.  These birds often represent death but for me it reminds me of my twin sister who I lost less than 2-years ago.  It reminds me of the love and determination she had to live, pulling her unseen wings out every morning, stretching them wide to the sun to be there for those she loved. Living.

They are beautiful birds.

And sometimes, I get a pain of sorrow, when I drive away from my work in the afternoon to do an errand or lunch, and I see one of them still roosting on the tree.  I think to myself, “Oh no. He wasn’t able to fly this morning.  He wasn’t able to join the others.  Something’s wrong.” Yet he (or she) sits there, perched like a statue in the pine tree.

And again I think of my twin.  Who wasn’t able to get up that last morning.  Who left before I could say good-bye.

Her chair is empty now, much as the top of the trees are. Vacant of the one that couldn’t fly away.  Only she did.  She did fly away.

And now she’s soaring.