A New Venture

Hi sis…

It was a long day today.  The elephant of grief found me to sit on my chest today, but only for a very short time.  I sure do miss you.  I want to share with you things in my day that I don’t have anyone else to share with them.  With my sweetie of course, but sometimes I need my sis’ perspective (and laugh.)

I opened a business checking account today for Twin Wolf Designs.  It took quite some time but the banker was a real sweetie.  She spoke alot about her marriage and beautiful 5 month old and I really wasn’t used to that from a banker.  Often it is the facade of friendliness to get the account opened then move on.  She asked questions about my family and told me several times how sorry she was about my loss of you.  Wow.  THAT as an odd sentence.  ..My loss of you.

The account is opened and I am awaiting checks and debit card with excitement of this new path.  I’m hoping to get a credit card in the mail too.  Don’t know.   I don’t have any consumer debt but I sure do have medical debt and that messes up ones credit too.  So we’ll see.  Applied for my EIN, LLC and DUNNs number and got my TPT this week.  That is a bunch of alphabet soup.  Within the next two weeks I should have ALL my paperwork done.  That’ll be nice.

I purchased two deer hides to begin working on an event I am putting on in your honor.  It may just be a virtual on-line event but it’s all about you sweet kiddo.  It’s called “In Memory of the Magic.”  I will be applying for crowd funding through Kickstarter (c) to get funding for about 20 deer hides and accessories. I’ve got the campaign all written and I just need to put a short video together for it. In the past, all my painted memory pouches have images of wildlife, y’know, lions and tigers and bears OH MY.  I thought I would do a series of fanciful things focusing on you.  Faeries and pegasus’ and unicorns of course but, I thought I’d delve a little deeper into other imagery such as realistic (that is a funny word choice) mermaids, perhaps insect critters like you loved so much, aliens, etc. I’d like to do some ravens too.

I’m looking forward to doing some really different compositions.  Stretching my creativity a little.  As always, I can be a little conservative.  This will push me.   I told the banker all this is happening because of you.  The realization that I need to do this not after I retire, not next year or next month or next week.  But immediately. Today.  In this breath.

I also said I wish I had done it while you were still breathing the air with me.  Gosh.  That was a sudden nice thought.  I’ve been struggling breathing so much this week–a lot of particulates in the air–allergies abound.  But I got a quick flash of a vision of you without any breathing troubles.  Deep breaths and clear skies and cool nights with starry heavens.  THAT was a very pleasant image.

I read where some twins feel they have to pick up where the twin that passed away left off.  Do twice the work to participate in life for their fallen twin as well.  Indeed, this is true.  I felt the huge need to illustrate some of your manuscripts and get them out there so people remember you and know you.  I felt the need to get on WOW which I did so rarely, because you loved it so. I took a very deep breath and stepped back.  Told myself to go slow. Begin Twin Wolf projects first.  We’ll see what happens from there.

I love and miss you like it was yesterday sis.  HUGS.

Swish Ghost

My grandmother used to talk of something called a “swish ghost”.  It was a dark or light shadowy image that you would see just out of your peripheral vision, and as you turned to look at it, it would “swish” away.  She spoke of it as much a matter of fact as she would talk about getting the laundry done.

I know now, a swish ghost is as a result of aging eyes, tired optic nerves and occasionally glaucoma or cataract.  But what was so interesting back then was the complete lack of trepidation regarding something that could have been perceived as supernatural.  As children, my twin and I thought it was a wonderful thing to have such a creature darting around the house.  We would sit with our little black haired heads pushed together, giggling and hoping a swish ghost would peak its little head around the edge of our vision so we could catch a look at it!

I realize, now, I have my own swish ghosts.  With that realization a smile came to my face as I remembered my grandmother’s house, the wonderful smells, particularly the pull-apart cake, as Kishma and I sat on tall chairs swinging our short legs back and forth and listened to her speak about the swish ghost.

 

What is in the Number Twelve?

What is special about the number twelve…?

There are twelve faces in a deck of cards

Twelve months in a year

Twelve equals a dozen

The atomic number twelve is magnesium, on the periodic table

The human body has twelve cranial nerves

The zodiac has twelve symbols

Twelve people have walked on the earth’s moon

Twelve signs were given to the Pharaoh of ancient Egypt to release the Hebrews from over 400 years of  bondage

There are twelve beautiful hues in the color wheel

And this is my 12^th week on this earth without my beloved twin sister walking upon the same soil.  Three months.  So much yet so little time has fled since her passing. The world had dimmed for a time without her magic in it.  However the light is returning as the earth recovers her balance.  The colors of the rainbow shimmer as brightly as ever and the warmth of the summer sun is beginning to move onto this side of our world.

I miss you sis.  Thank you for letting me see the magic.

Fairy Circles on Easter

There isn’t much going on to post about today.  I have been working hard on getting a website built for my new online art sales business as well as working on fundraising.

This is my first Easter without my twin.  Kishma and I had two very different beliefs on what happens once you pass on, which is unusual for twins, in particular identical.  But we respected each others beliefs and looked for commonalities rather that differences.  And they are always there.

I still feel she is working away on the other side of the veil, waiting for us to join her.  And for her it will be only a moment, but for us it may be years, even a half century.  I wonder if that is where the belief in fairy circles comes from.  A fairy circle is a ring of ground trodden down, or a ring of mushrooms, toadstools or flowers in a pasture or forest or meadow…  When you step inside the magical little circle several things can happen.  You could either fall asleep, or you would be treated to some wonderful festivities by the fairies within.  However, when you awoke or took a step back outside the circle, you will have found years if not decades had passed.

It’s an interesting concept to explore.

 

Eleven Weeks and One Day

I wish we could have taught her to swim…

11 weeks and 1 day.  I intentionally skipped posting yesterday.  Just to see if I could.  That sounds silly but I was concerned.  This need to post on the week day anniversary of my twins passing was beginning to feel like a bit of an obsession.  But the day passed as easily as any other day, without a post.

One wonders how an obsession gets started sometimes.  There is a tremendous difference between a habit, an acquired behavior repeatedly followed so it becomes almost involuntary, versus an obsession, a domination of ones thoughts or feelings, by a persistent image, thought or desire.  But can an obsession begin with a habit?  Actually, yes, I think it can.  And because of that belief I had the need to confirm it was not an obsession but rather a habit, a comfort, a behavior to help me cope with loss.

***  ***

In order to cope I have been keeping busy.  Busy at my day job putting together the results of a community survey to present to the City Council.  And I’ve been busy as soon as I get home in the evening as I am trying to get a website built for my art business. Losing my Kishma has brought into focus the need to be able to do that which rewards me most.  And that is painting and creating memory pouches in leather with antler and beads and bangles and feathers and so many other things that represent nature and the earth.  It is exciting and frustrating and educational and frustrating… Did I say frustrating? I am not a computer whiz and putting the site together myself is a learn as you go endeavor.  My first error was pushing “publish” before the site was complete.  It is out there for the world to see without a single photo of my artwork in it.  Yes it’s an oops but it is my oops.  And I do love the learning. It is almost complete in every other way now.  I just need to locate the jump drive with photos of all my artwork on it.  Hmm, this could take a while.

 

 

A Friendship Learned

Last Friday was my last day of leave before going back to “the real world.”  Fortunately I have no trepidation about returning to the working world.  I am gaining more personal understanding about grief and what it is to me.

My husband took me to see the newest Captain America movie on Friday, which was great fun.  He works so hard at providing me relief from my sorrow.  About 1/2 way through the movie, if that much, a main character dies.  And all of a sudden I was crying.  The character was in a hospital with monitors bleeping then not bleeping etc., and all of a sudden grief just did a body slam to me.  It was only a brief moment and I was able to “be here, be now” again.  But that single moment taught me a great deal about what grief is.

For me.

It isn’t a constant sorrow with tears ever present.  It isn’t a constant loss of “what am I going to do without you.”  It is an indescribable loneliness in the quiet.  It is a sudden wave of such intense sadness that the world is suddenly muffled and only the storm is real.  For a moment.  It is working on a project with all the industriousness of a honey bee then a sudden, complete stop.  Pencil above paper, paintbrush held in the air, a holding of my breath as if all the world was in stop-motion.  Then the breath comes, the pencil meets the paper once more and the brush caresses the canvas with its colorful gift.

For me.

The grief is there.  It is deep.  It is strong.  But I have learned not to fight it.  Not to fear it.  But to welcome it.  For it tells me every moment of life I shared with my beloved twin was precious and worth every moment of pain that follows.

My grief is an honest friend.

A Week of Healing

This week has been very good for me.  I’ve been able to relax at home and make up for the sleep I don’t get in the middle of the night.  It is amazing how one’s perspective can change with something as simple as sleep.  Last night I was up until 3:00a.m. but I was able to sleep in until 10a.m.  That means 7-hours of sleep and I can function on that.  I am really going to have to make the effort to reset my circadian rhythm before I head back to work Monday or I will be in a world of hurt. I was hoping to do an overnight in the woods but schedules aren’t working out for that.  However, it has been great being home and working on Kishma’s portrait.  And though my heart aches terribly for her, the grief has seen fit to release some of the pressure on my physical body.  My mind is much clearer than it was a week ago and I hope it continues to improve.

I have also been working on the new website TwinWolfDesigns.com to sell my artwork and medicine pouches and leather works.  I’m not terribly software savvy so it has been a learning experience.  I made the error of pushing “publish” the first day I was working on it so it is already out there for everyone to see though it doesn’t even have one piece of artwork on it yet.  Good Grief was an understatement.  But I can just see Kishma laughing with me about it.  I’ve dedicated the site to her.  It is her passing that has been the impetus to get it done now.  I have a good stock of medicine bags in hand, a few paintings completed and a great deal of desire.  Once I complete all the legal paperwork, with time I know it will be a successful small business.  And I know Kishma would have wanted that for me and my family.

I’m sure she is quite excited about what her beloved Tanamin is doing now too.  The grand opening for his “Tower Vapor Room” in Fresno, California is tonight.  It is a different form of socializing and also is a great provider in tools to help people stop smoking.  I wish him luck and wish I was there to support him.  I know Kishma will be.

A Nose is a Nose…or is it?

Seems I just can’t stop thinking about numbers… One week, two weeks, two months, ten weeks.  Today is 10 weeks since my twin Kishma passed.  I’m not obsessing about it, it’s just that she is always there…  or maybe that is obsessing…  More likely just grieving.

So, here I am on week 10 just puttering around the house, cleaning and painting.  I’m about 50% of the way through Kishma’s portrait.  I can’t quite seem to get her nose right.  You would think I could just look in a mirror to get it right, but that isn’t so. Though we are identical twins, due to steroids her skin is much lighter than mine and her features smaller.  As you can see, if I place my Arizona browned finger in front of her sweet face, yep!  That’s Kishma!  But not if I move my finger away.  So I’ll be working on that today.  To get this particular “Rose to smell as sweet” will take some work on my part.

Contraindications

Here it is 4:39 in the morning and I’m awake.  I always look on line when I get a new medication to see if it conflicts with any of the many I currently take.  Surprisingly, I found the new sleeping meds conflicts with one of my asthma meds.  So yesterday morning I called the pharmacist who stated that his computer would have caught any contraindications, but that he would look it up by hand.  When he came back on the phone his voice was quite shaken.  He said the meds has a serious conflict with the medication I noted, and it had to do with the heart, and that he truly wasn’t comfortable telling me to take it and that I needed to call my doctor.  Wow. Okay.  So I did.  When he finally got back to me it was basically with an almost “Oh geez” attitude.  He stated that I get such a minute amount of meds through my asthma inhaler that the sleeping agent wouldn’t conflict.  Just like that.  Didn’t look it up or anything.  I’m kind of disturbed as it seemed to be brushed aside a little quickly, without easing my concerns.

My fallback on this has always been my twin Kishma.  She was a veritable encyclopedia on meds and always had answers or would ask one of her many doctors and then she’d let me know.  It is amazing how much a part of my life she is and was…even in a different state.

Without her wisdom… I am not taking the new meds.  I’ll see if I can find a nice Camomile tea tomorrow.

Mud

This is the longest time I have not posted since attending Kishma’s celebration of life in Fresno. But I am working through it.  I am watching General Conference on tv today and tomorrow.  It is a bi-annual program put on by the church I attend and it is helpful.  I have  no doubt of where Kishma is right now. I can not imagine the agony felt by those who have no spiritual beliefs, when a loved one passes. In particular losing a twin.

I’ve been to see the doc and gotten non-barbituate meds to help me sleep for a time.  I’ll take the first tonight to see how it works. I’ve never taken a sleep meds before cause I just hate taking drugs.  Funny coming from someone who’s very life depends on regular doses of various meds.  But I guess it is different to take those one must as opposed to one that isn’t “required.”  Though, I guess at this point, it is a needed and required meds.  I finally fell asleep last night close to 4am.  I should have just gotten up but I kept trying to drift to sleep.

I’ve been rolling things around in my mind about taking a trip to Oregon in June.  My sweetie and I were thinking about taking 2-weeks off in October to visit all my family members but I was prompted to go visit my dad sooner.  So we have set up to visit Cottage Grove the first week of June.  We’ll visit my cousins Becky, Debbie and Libby who I haven’t seen for, oh my goodness, over 30 years. We’ll spend a little time visiting my “little” sister as I haven’t seen her for forever either. And the majority of time will be with dad.  It will be a fun trip but it is also a financial hit, and a bit stressful for an introvert.  But I need to do it or it will never happen.

 Then some time in October we will go over to California and visit my twins family, then down to visit with my mom and brother and Jim’s brother and sister-in-law.  I guess look forward to that trip a little more as the introvert in me “knows” these families more and the introvert in me isn’t panicking.  We’ll also try to take my baby to Disneyland once more before she grows up and away from us.  She just turned 17 and it’s tough to believe she graduates next year.

Playing In The Mud

I had a memory last night.  Kishma and I used to live in a very large apartment complex.  One time it had rained all day, all night and all day.  Kishma and I went outside to play and got absolutely soaking wet. We played in a spot of mud where the landscaping had died, making mud trails and miniature rivers. It seemed like we played there for hours.  Then soaking wet we went in and took a hot bath to get clean and get our internal temperatures warmed up again. 

We were both sick so often, memories of us just being kids are extremely cherished.